When someone dies without having expressed their wishes, their family faces an impossible task: making major decisions about burial, service, music, readings, and dozens of other choices — under time pressure, while grieving, with often incomplete information about what the person would have wanted.
Pre-planning your own funeral is the antidote to this. It's one of the most practical, loving things you can do for the people you'll leave behind.
Why Pre-Plan?
- Relief for your family: Decisions that take hours or days of agonizing debate among grieving family members take minutes when your preferences are documented
- Your wishes are honored: The specific music you wanted, the reading that matters to you, the location you'd prefer — these details often get lost or guessed at without documentation
- Cost reduction: Families making decisions under emotional pressure and time constraints often overspend. Research and pre-planning lead to better, more deliberate choices
- Conflict prevention: Documented wishes prevent family members from arguing about what you "would have wanted"
The Decisions to Make
Disposition of remains
The most fundamental decision: what happens to your body?
- Burial: Traditional in-ground burial; can be in a purchased plot, a family plot, a national cemetery (for veterans), or a religious cemetery. Costs vary enormously by location — cemetery plots in major cities can cost $10,000 or more; rural plots may be a few hundred dollars.
- Cremation: Increasingly common (now over 60% of deaths in the U.S.). Lower cost than traditional burial. Options for remains: keeping at home in an urn, burial of ashes, scattering (check local regulations), placement in a columbarium niche, or division among family members.
- Green/natural burial: Burial without embalming, in a biodegradable shroud or simple container, in a natural burial ground. Growing in availability and appeal for those who want an environmentally minimal footprint.
- Body donation: Donating your body to a medical school or research institution. Typically free (institutions handle transportation and final disposition) and a meaningful contribution to medical education.
- Other: Space burial, aquamation (alkaline hydrolysis), human composting (legal in several states), reef ball — alternatives are expanding.
Type of service
- Traditional funeral service (often at a funeral home or religious institution)
- Graveside service only
- Celebration of life (often less formal, focused on honoring the person rather than religious ceremony)
- Memorial service without the body present (held days or weeks after death)
- Private family-only gathering
- No service — your preference not to have a service honored
Service details
Document specifics for whoever will plan the service:
- Preferred location (venue, church, outdoor location, family home)
- Religious or secular preference
- Who you'd like to officiate (clergy member, celebrant, a specific person)
- Music: specific songs, hymns, performers, or genres
- Readings: specific poems, scripture passages, or texts you want read
- Who you'd like to speak or give a eulogy
- Open or closed casket preference
- Clothing preference for burial or cremation
- Flowers vs. donations in lieu of flowers, and if donations, the specific organization
- Reception preferences (food, location, formality)
Practical information
Document the vital statistics your family will need for the death certificate and obituary:
- Full legal name (including middle name)
- Date and place of birth
- Social Security number
- Parents' names and birthplaces
- Highest level of education completed
- Occupation and industry
- Military service (if applicable — branch, dates, discharge status, DD-214 location)
- Veteran's cemetery preference or entitlements
Pre-Written Materials That Help Enormously
- Your own obituary draft: Even a rough version that your family can refine — see our guide on writing your own obituary
- A eulogy outline or notes: Key memories, values, and stories you'd want mentioned
- A letter to your family: Expressing what you want them to know, beyond funeral logistics
Should You Pre-Pay?
Pre-paying for funeral arrangements (called "preneed planning") locks in today's prices and ensures funds are designated for funeral costs. Legitimate benefits: price protection, reduced burden on family. Concerns: funeral home closures or ownership changes, difficulty transferring plans if you move, limited flexibility if your wishes change.
If you pre-pay:
- Use an established, reputable funeral home
- Confirm that funds are held in a state-regulated trust or insurance policy (not the funeral home's general operating account)
- Get everything in writing, including exactly what is covered
- Keep a copy and tell your executor where to find it
Alternative approach: a payable-on-death savings account earmarked for funeral costs, or a small whole life insurance policy with your estate or executor as beneficiary. More flexible, achieves similar financial preparation.
How to Store and Share Your Wishes
Documents your family can't find don't help. Store your pre-planned funeral information:
- As part of your estate documents (with your will and advance directive)
- On a digital legacy platform that your family knows how to access
- With your funeral home if you've pre-arranged with them
- With your attorney if they hold other estate documents
Critically: tell at least one person — your spouse, executor, or trusted adult child — where to find it. A document no one knows exists doesn't accomplish anything.
Telling Your Family
Beyond just writing things down: having a conversation with your family about your wishes, at least at a general level, is valuable. It normalizes the topic, allows them to ask questions, and means they won't be discovering your preferences for the first time in the middle of grief. See our guide on how to talk to family about end-of-life planning.