Is it rude to say "in lieu of flowers"?

No — it's a clear, appreciated communication that helps people who want to honor the deceased do so in a meaningful way. Many people genuinely want to do something but don't know what to give; "in lieu of flowers" with a specific suggestion gives them a clear, appreciated option. It's not rude to express a preference; it would only be perceived as rude if the tone were demanding or if you forbade flowers entirely without an alternative. Saying "the family kindly requests donations to..." is warm and appropriate.

Do people still send flowers if the obituary says "in lieu of flowers"?

Yes — some people will send flowers anyway, and that's okay. "In lieu of flowers" is an expression of preference, not a prohibition. Most families receive flowers regardless of the request. Graciously accepting them while also acknowledging donations is the right approach. If you're personally writing condolences and the obituary specifies "in lieu of flowers," honor the request — donate to the specified organization and send a card letting the family know you did.

How much should I donate in lieu of flowers?

There is no required amount. A typical floral arrangement runs $50–$150; using that as a rough reference for a donation is a reasonable approach. But any donation is appropriate and appreciated — $25 is thoughtful. Donations are typically made online directly to the organization, and many send a formal acknowledgment to the family. Some families prefer that you send the acknowledgment card yourself; the charity will often provide one.

What if I want to send both flowers and a donation?

That's a generous gesture and entirely appropriate. Sending a donation to the specified cause while also sending a small floral arrangement — or a plant that will last longer — is a meaningful way to honor both the request and the tradition. There is no rule against doing both.

In Lieu of Flowers: Wording, Ideas, and How to Communicate the Request

"In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to..." is a phrase that appears in thousands of obituaries every day. It redirects what would have been a short-lived floral arrangement into something lasting — a contribution to a cause that mattered to the person who died.

Why Families Choose This Request

There are several reasons a family might prefer donations to flowers:

The deceased had a cause or organization they cared deeply about
The family is managing an overwhelming number of flowers at the home and service
The deceased disliked cut flowers or had allergies
The family wants the outpouring of sympathy to create something lasting
A medical or research cause is personally meaningful (especially after a long illness)

Popular "In Lieu of Flowers" Causes

Disease and medical research

If the person died of a specific illness, donating to an organization focused on that disease is a natural, meaningful choice:

American Cancer Society (cancer.org)
American Heart Association (heart.org)
Alzheimer's Association (alz.org)
American Diabetes Association (diabetes.org)
National MS Society (nationalmssociety.org)
ALS Association (als.org)
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (afsp.org)

Local community organizations

Many families prefer to keep giving local — a food bank the deceased volunteered with, a library they loved, a community garden, a youth sports organization, their house of worship, or a local hospice that provided care.

Educational causes

A scholarship fund at their school or university
A library foundation
A literacy organization
A school they attended or taught at

Animal welfare

For people who were devoted to animals:

A local humane society or animal shelter
ASPCA (aspca.org)
Best Friends Animal Society (bestfriends.org)
A wildlife conservation organization

Environmental causes

Nature Conservancy (nature.org)
Sierra Club Foundation (sierraclub.org)
A local land trust or conservation organization
A national or state park they loved

Non-Donation Alternatives to Flowers

Some families prefer a non-monetary alternative:

Plant a tree in their memory — through organizations like the Arbor Day Foundation (arborday.org/memorytrees)
Volunteer — some families ask that attendees perform an act of service in the deceased's honor
Prepare a meal for someone in need
Write a letter to someone you've been meaning to reconnect with
Perform an act of kindness that reflects something the deceased valued
Make a memory book contribution — some families set up a photo or memory collection and ask people to contribute to it

How to Word It in an Obituary

The phrasing should be warm and specific. Here are several options:

In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations to the American Cancer Society at cancer.org/donate in [Name]'s memory.

In lieu of flowers, those wishing to honor [Name] are invited to make a donation to [Local Food Bank Name] at [website]. [Name] was passionate about ending hunger in our community.

In lieu of flowers, the family kindly asks that you consider a donation to [Name]'s favorite charity, [Organization], at [website]. Your generosity would mean the world to [her/him/them].

Flowers are welcome, and the family also invites those who wish to contribute to [Organization], which was deeply meaningful to [Name].

Those wishing to honor [Name]'s memory may make a donation in [his/her/their] name to [Organization] ([website]) or simply perform an act of kindness for someone who needs it — as [he/she/they] always did.

Setting Up a Memorial Fund

If the deceased didn't have an existing organization they supported, families can set up a memorial fund. Options:

GoFundMe Memorial — easy to set up; can direct funds to a specific cause or to the family for expenses
A donor-advised fund — allows donations to accumulate and be distributed to multiple charities later
A named scholarship at a school or university — typically requires a minimum contribution (often $10,000–$25,000) for an endowed scholarship, but some schools offer memorial awards at lower thresholds
A fund at a community foundation — many community foundations can set up memorial giving funds and handle the administration

When You're the One Donating

If an obituary requests donations "in lieu of flowers" and you want to respond:

Donate directly to the specified organization online
Most organizations allow you to dedicate the gift "in memory of [Name]" and provide an email address for the family acknowledgment
Send a note or card to the family letting them know you made a donation — this personal communication often means as much as the donation itself